Month of NOV - a mixed of happiness and sadness

Why i said the month of Novembre is a mixed of happiness and sadness?

Well.. let's start off with my bday, 1st Nov. Great event i should said.. went mt ophir with DG and CSF. Not a bad idea to celebrating my bday on a mountain haha. somemore with a bunch of great cousins. Thanks for the bday song on the coach haha..Next day, i got my gift from him. i'm happy but it died out once he told me how he got it. i'm having mixed feeling- happy yet angry.

den on 4th Novembre, night quarreling with him. it started with his "if" and my wild imagination. i had a rough nite, couldn't slp well, becos of his insensitive words and his "IF"

The fight continued on 5th novembre , a huge fight bet me and him. all the quarrels details i've saved in my hotmail. I can;t stand his "IF", his "dun care" tone, his so-called theory and his insensitive words that used to spite me while he keep saying i dun trust him and etc. All in all, it;s the secret that caused me so paranoid; he simply dun understand from my point of view. in the end, i have to ask jj to accompany me for a dinner; a relief therapy. tears just uncontrollably rolled down on its own while i'm telling all the pain i'm experiencing with his "if", his "dun care" tone, his so-called theory and his insensitive words that used to spite me while he keep saying i dun trust him and etc. when he come and look for me at the restaurant, just feel that he's a stranger from that moment. when he hug me at the lift when he sent me home, i realise i din hug back. cos i dun wan to and he felt like a stranger for tat nite
**thanks jj

den on and off, some dwc customers' enquires made me feel happy; cos tot i got it, but i lost it in the end.

Then yesh 14th Novembre.. i got my driving license with 1st attempt. cool.. I must said it's sheer luck cos i got 14 demerit pts (Reali got loads of blessing from CEB and guts from DG) but it comes with high price- $2600. *Ouch.. my pocket burned sia...hahaha.. a reali big expensive bday gift i got for myself:p My parents are proud of me, esp my mom. cos i'm her official ahmad nw.

But this happiness last me about less than 24 hrs cos quarreled with him. Becos of a duet we sang at KBOX, we both knew (i tink everyone in the room knew too) we dun have tat chemisty and "mo qi". His "bo bian look" and one cold sentence from his explanation: "she dun join me at kbox so didn;t practise this song with me." from my interpretation, it sounds like:"ya this duet song, i sang with my gal friends at LWS, so i can sing very well with them, not u." from that moment, i hate his voice and his singing. It just make me more "fan gang". i hate this song now - yi yan shun jian. Tat nite, we slept backfacing each other and he din coax me. all these insensitive actions and words just make my thoughts more affirmed- he has changed. he did admit he changed- more open minded + more hippie = less sensitive to my feelings (make my imagination run wild) and neglecting me. Been studying his sudden change of behaviours, the more i think and analyze, the more i think his singing mates and singing passion has changed him to someone whom i dun know and hate. I hate him, his LWS friends (All gals in his team- FUCK) and his singing passion.

Maybe my depression got worse and imagination really running wild or simply the fact i dun trust him (which he always said). The fact that i dun like those gals so close with him, i'm not comfortable. which gal in proper mind will feel comfortable with this situation.

Last nite, before we dismiss from work. we quarrelled over his gal friend's name. her name is Jorene. he always called her jo, but he called her name in full and i felt very strange. he's going for a practise with her cos sun got competition. he's a back up tis time, he needs not be there (i think ), cos 3 ppl from his team will be competing; not him. so why he's so eager to go for the practice lei. he told he got loads of asgs and can't pei me that much. but WTH, such compeition, he needs to go for practise. the most ironic thingy is the rest of the team is not sure going a not, so y he needs to go since he;s a backup this time. TO me, he should go home and complete his asgs.

this is how the quarrel begin:

On msn, i told him i might nt be going to kim;'s place for the gathering, so he invited me to see him sing. in my heart, i was thinking:" ok loz..go support him" but he said he's going to sing a duet song. den i ask him: "sing with who and wat song?" he said: Jorene :)" (look carefully, with a smiley face.. haiz) den i ask him:" who is jorene?' den he said:"jo" den i'm like thinking u always call her jo, why suddenly called her in full name; somemroe with a smile. FUCK.. pissed off liao. suddenly his "actions" make me think that he's treating her special. (who ever reading this, pls tell me you agree with me or with him- he said i over react) SO I asked him why u need to spell her name in full, u call her jo all the time loz. his reply to me:" cos my mgt just walked past me and i quickly type her name in full" ( To all the the readers, please be my judges, who is right and wrong) his excuse made me pissed off. cos to me, if you are rushing sth or in his situation, i won;t type so much. if you were him, would you type "J" + "O", 2 keys or type "J"+"O"+ "R"+ "E" + "N" + "E"; 6 keys? Hence super pissed off.... cos if i were him, i will type 2 keys cos i'm rushing and dun wan my mgt to see me msning. but he choose to type 6keys with the risk of being caught red handed by the mgt. In the end, he left the conversation, said i'm a GOOD gf (sacarstic tone) and leave me hanging on the other end. i'm so dulan and changed my nick to: I dun like ur LWS friends now. I'm a GOOD gf I know (Thanks for the compliments)

Hence in the end, i changed my mind and decided not to go and find him and went for a social drinking nite instead. which i glad i went :-) when i reached, i called him thrice, but he din picked up, cos i wan to tell him where am i. so he won;t get worried. cos to me, quarrel is quarrel, i still need to fulfil my role as a gf. but he din picked up, so angerily i sent a msg to tell him to enjoy and forget to mention i'm at kim's place. den i just throw my phone one side, cos i dunno when he will see my msg and realise he has missed calls. So inthe end, i completely enjoy my nite with my colleagues. Kim's place is cosy, her kitchen is full of wines and liquer. haha. mini bar :-) (JJ, u will love it, hua- you will like tis mini bar to be at ur place, yun- we could only stare at it. cos the alcohol percentage is way to high for us:p)

Then the biggest war begun, when i realised he din tell me he reached home le ma or busy singing duet song with her. i'm more worried his safety and his incomplete asg. so when i reached home, i called him to tell him i'm home. but when picked up. he give me tat tone and i snapped. i asked him why he never tell me he reach home. he just said that i never reply his sms (he did sent me 2 msgs but like his excuse - " idunno you called or sms cos phone in silent mode") but to me, as a bf, u still need to let me know where you are in regardless we quarrelled a not. cos i did my part, i called and let him know i'm home. but wat hurts me the most is when he said that he's not worried abt me not reaching home safely cos he don;t have the intention to wait for my call or sms too. he din expect me to do tat. honestly, he's not like tat de. he's used to be sweet and wait for me de; make i reached home. And also, this incident, i more confirmed he changed le.

So sad. throughout our conversation, he admit he changed cos he said "ren shi hui bian de" i listen le and "wo xin bian han le" - my heart turn cold. somemore he "xue shang jia shuang", he said he can;t tolerate me anymore- this is anotehr thing he changed too; he used to tolerate all my nonsenses but now he said i'm overpossesive and oversensitive. But i'm proud to tell him that: "at least, i didn;t change cos right from the start, i'm always like this. i'm still the same old me, it;'s u that changed and soured our r.s". In the end, he said he has doubt whether we can live together or even get married. so he mentioned the taboo term (yes.. the bp) i reali heart broken le. togther for almost 4 yrs, he;'s now saying that he has doubt for our future.


Maybe becos of the kick in effect of the 3 glasses of white wine and 2 glasses of beer, my emotions are reali terrible througout the nite. i made both of us sleepless; until 3plus, i manage to tell myself it's over and calm myself to slp. But woke up with a terrible headache.

Just finishing meeting a supplier, so decided to write this blog while waiting for her emails. I'm blasting myself with 2songs now by jay choy and Pussycat dolls; cos they suit my mood and our r.s.

the more i listen to jay's music; i reali think "wo men shuo hao den xing fu" ze me le?
the more i listen to PCD's music: i reali hate this part now- feels like we are drifting apart till we are calling for time out.

here's PCD's lyrics:

We're driving slow through the snow
On fifth avenue
And right now radio's
All that we can hear

Man we ain't talked since we left
It's so overdue
It's cold outside
But between us

The world slows down but my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part where the end starts


I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday seven takes of the same
Seems we're bound by the loss of the same team
Gotta talk to you now fore we go to sleep
But well we sleep once I tell you

The world slows down but my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers

I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothings wrong
But there is no more time for lies
Cause I see in your eyes

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

But I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part